Here is a collection of shit that customers have said to me, or that I've heard of. There's things that should have never left the mouth, and things that have made me think.... Why are you still alive?
1.*begging* "Could you please put my glasses in your pussy? Please? I'll do anything. I'll never ever wash them again".
2. "You have a very nice hamburger" (referring to the vagina)
3. Customer: Fuck dat ass *starts lightly punching my butt*
Me: ...did you just box my ass?
Customer: fuck dat ass, cum in yo mouth
Me: O.O.....
4. Retard: What background are you?
Me: Korean
Retard: North or South?
5. *MC Hammer playing in background, dude tries to touch me*
Me: *moves away* No.
Dude: Can't touch this
6. "I would let you piss on me"
7. Me: *rubs nipple*
Custie: Oh...
*traces finger down to stomach*
Custie: Oh god.... Ohhh...
*traces finger to crotch*
Custie: Oh... Ohhh... Oh god.. Holy.. Ohh..
*spreads legs*
Custie: OHHHHHHH....STOP IT OHHHHHHH
8. Custie *points to birth mark on my leg* Did you get shot in the leg?
More to come!!
Wednesday 8 May 2013
Friday 19 April 2013
Fake names and 'Tards.
EVERYBODY is obsessed with REAL. As in genuine stuff. Genuine everything. Whether if a product or foods contain real ingredients. Produce that is organic, none of that GMO bullshit. Handbags that are made with real leather. Sites reinforce that captcha bullshit to make sure you are a REAL person.
One of the most frequent question (95% of the time) that comes up in conversation when with a customer is,
"What is your REAL name?"
It's a question that drives me insane. I understand the needs of the genuine REAL stuff in life, but what I don't get is why men feel the strong urge to know a dancer's real name. Does it stroke their ego knowing that she has revealed something personal about herself?
There is already nothing real about me walking over to you striking up meaningless conversation (I just want your wallet), good luck finding me approaching you in another setting.
Noob sitting at a table: Oh your name is Aurie? Well my name is Marvelous the Thunder Storm hurr hurr hurr durrr
Nice one man, you got such a nice come back! It's so ingenious of you! I don't care if you don't give me your real name.
OR
Me: Hi, my name is Aurie, what's your name?"
Noob: Why should I tell you? That's not your real name anyway.
Men don't think for one sheer second about why girls have stage names. They don't think about all the Tom, Dicks, and Harrys that might bump into them on the street that'll be calling out their real names while they're shopping, going to school, or with their boyfriends. Now that'll be an interesting topic to talk about with your partner. "So how do you know that creepy/weird/old/fat/ugly guy that just said your name?" and you'd be like "Oh, just a friend... That I knew from a friend... In a park... I think?" LOL.
With technology nowadays, you'd be fucking surprised what people can find about you just by your first name.
I sometimes like to stroke men's egos by telling them what they want to hear, such as "don't tell anyone this, but since I like you... My real name is Bella". Then what do these asshole do? They shout my fake name out to everbody "SEE YOU BELLA" or "I ENJOYED HANGING WITH YOU BELLA". Those motherfuckers!!!
& They ask "What's your REAL name?" ....Morons.
Monday 15 April 2013
Customers I LOVE to HATE
After working in the strip club for nearly two years, I can pretty much distinguish each type of customer there is. I love this job when there's men that just want to make you happy. The ones that buy me long shows because they want to "keep me out of trouble", "relax from work and just take it easy", "simply just want to chat and have good company", "cut the bullshit strip show, stay clothed, and just be yourself" or *hands be $100 note* - "this should keep you around for a bit. These are the boys that every stripper dreams about.
Then there are those that walk among us, those that prowl the strip clubs that drive girls insane...
The Veteran
They came, they saw, they know it all. They're in the club every day, if not, every week probably most of their life time. The amount of decades they've been there is unknown because they were there since you've started dancing, and you think they might as well just live there.
I ponder what drove them to waste so much of time (and money) coming to strip clubs, are they that incapable of social skills with women that they must have girls constantly coming up to them selling their fake sweet, sexy, flirty bullshit? Do they really feel that lonely that they need constant attention? Perhaps they think they'll be able to pick up a dancer if they stuck around long enough.
They virtually never buy shows, as they've "seen it all before". At least they buy you a drink to start your night. They seem to boast "I've been coming here for over 10 years/I've been coming here since you were even born" like it's something amazing to brag about.
Typical quotes from The Veteran:
"Candy has been working here for x amount of years, she used to be called Angel and started out waitressing"
"Back in the 90s, a dance used to cost only this much!"
"I'm a member, I'm here to see they weekly free show"
Captain Save-A-Ho
These beings wonder into the club environment like they are entitled to the world, they may tip sparingly at the tipping rail, might even buy one show. Within minutes of talking, they waste no time telling you how you are "too good to be working in a place like this" and question why you would go demeaning yourself like this. Boasting about what a great job they have/great money they make is a typical characteristic for these men. They want to whisk you away from this hell hole of a place, and make all your fears, pain, and sorrows go away.
Typical lines from a Ho Saver:
"I earn 6 figures a year, I can definitely take care of you"
"Why don't you come and work for me, I give good "incentives"
"You're too good/intelligent for this place, you don't belong here".
"Wow captain, you finally came to my rescue!!"
The Cop-A-Feel
These cunning creatures strike at every chance they get for a bit of touchy touchy. Whether it be an "innocent" brush of the back hand pretending to be in deep conversation while using a lot of hand gestures, or inching their hands closer and closer to their favored destination thinking that you're oblivious. They also like to strike fast when your hands are not on guard. They are given a number of a warnings, but still dare to defy the rules... Till you walk out mid dance and announce the show is over.
There are two variations of this unique type of species. First one is the "Walk By Feeler" name explains it all. In the strip club kingdom, these "Walk By Feeler's" favourite time to strike is when it's a fairly busy environment. They camouflage with the rest of the males, and are never to be seen again. This helps with their survival... As they are nearly never caught. The second are the ones that claim the shows are way too expensive/can get more bang for their buck and 'more' down the road, and attempt to cop a free feel under the table.
Classic quotes from a Feeler:
"I can make you feel good/cum in 30 seconds"
"But I just can't resist, you are just so sexy/beautiful/fuckable"
"But Diamond over there let me finger her pussy, why can't I?"
Pedo Bear says he likes to cop feels as well
The Admirer
Sharing similarities to The Veteran, they don't buy shows, some don't even buy you a drink. They replace their money with compliments and date proposals, and for some reason think that you will some how, and some way, go out with them. These species are usually in their own little world, persuading you to give up your number. Or vice versa. "This stripper must really like me! She's laughing at my jokes! Look at the way she looks at me!" When pushing for a sale, they will attempt to divert your attention to something else like "when will I see you on stage?" they think that you're happy to get naked for free on stage while they look from a distance. It is evident that they lack the common sense to question if the dancer is really into them. But they don't care. These guys will even go as far as following you out the door when you're ready for home. Lacking people and life skills? Clearly.
Typical lines from these noobs:
"I don't buy dances, but I'd like to take you out sometime"
"I know you're into me/want me, you don't have to hide it"
"What time do you finish?"
Mister VIP
Most of these creatures are delusional. They think that they're important because they once shook hands with the owners, maybe had a conversation or two, therefore they're best friends with the owner/manager/MC. They boast about having privileges, have met the Queen of England, Elvis, and is far more special than everyone else. When being pushed for a sale, these guys claim that they can get special discounts... Then fail miserably.
I met this one special guy one time that claimed he was so well knitted with the management that he threatened to get me fired because I wouldn't go out with him (looks like I'm still here and well bro).
Classic quotes:
*exclaims proudly* "Well I know Bob the owner, we are great friends. We hang out on a regular basis"
"I've met P. Diddy, T.I, Eminem, Lil Wayne, Madonna, and anyone else you can think of"
"I get special privileges than regular customers, I pretty much shit diamonds"
"Hey baby, look at what great importance I bring to the strip club"
These are the main species in the strip club kingdom. You are destined to meet all of them at some point if you stick around long enough in this line of work. Maybe even rarer more "amazing" ones. But nonetheless, it's entertaining. Even more entertaining when I imagine shoving my stiletto heel into their scrotums.
Then there are those that walk among us, those that prowl the strip clubs that drive girls insane...
The Veteran
They came, they saw, they know it all. They're in the club every day, if not, every week probably most of their life time. The amount of decades they've been there is unknown because they were there since you've started dancing, and you think they might as well just live there.
I ponder what drove them to waste so much of time (and money) coming to strip clubs, are they that incapable of social skills with women that they must have girls constantly coming up to them selling their fake sweet, sexy, flirty bullshit? Do they really feel that lonely that they need constant attention? Perhaps they think they'll be able to pick up a dancer if they stuck around long enough.
They virtually never buy shows, as they've "seen it all before". At least they buy you a drink to start your night. They seem to boast "I've been coming here for over 10 years/I've been coming here since you were even born" like it's something amazing to brag about.
Typical quotes from The Veteran:
"Candy has been working here for x amount of years, she used to be called Angel and started out waitressing"
"Back in the 90s, a dance used to cost only this much!"
"I'm a member, I'm here to see they weekly free show"
Captain Save-A-Ho
These beings wonder into the club environment like they are entitled to the world, they may tip sparingly at the tipping rail, might even buy one show. Within minutes of talking, they waste no time telling you how you are "too good to be working in a place like this" and question why you would go demeaning yourself like this. Boasting about what a great job they have/great money they make is a typical characteristic for these men. They want to whisk you away from this hell hole of a place, and make all your fears, pain, and sorrows go away.
Typical lines from a Ho Saver:
"I earn 6 figures a year, I can definitely take care of you"
"Why don't you come and work for me, I give good "incentives"
"You're too good/intelligent for this place, you don't belong here".
The Cop-A-Feel
These cunning creatures strike at every chance they get for a bit of touchy touchy. Whether it be an "innocent" brush of the back hand pretending to be in deep conversation while using a lot of hand gestures, or inching their hands closer and closer to their favored destination thinking that you're oblivious. They also like to strike fast when your hands are not on guard. They are given a number of a warnings, but still dare to defy the rules... Till you walk out mid dance and announce the show is over.
There are two variations of this unique type of species. First one is the "Walk By Feeler" name explains it all. In the strip club kingdom, these "Walk By Feeler's" favourite time to strike is when it's a fairly busy environment. They camouflage with the rest of the males, and are never to be seen again. This helps with their survival... As they are nearly never caught. The second are the ones that claim the shows are way too expensive/can get more bang for their buck and 'more' down the road, and attempt to cop a free feel under the table.
Classic quotes from a Feeler:
"I can make you feel good/cum in 30 seconds"
"But I just can't resist, you are just so sexy/beautiful/fuckable"
"But Diamond over there let me finger her pussy, why can't I?"
The Admirer
Sharing similarities to The Veteran, they don't buy shows, some don't even buy you a drink. They replace their money with compliments and date proposals, and for some reason think that you will some how, and some way, go out with them. These species are usually in their own little world, persuading you to give up your number. Or vice versa. "This stripper must really like me! She's laughing at my jokes! Look at the way she looks at me!" When pushing for a sale, they will attempt to divert your attention to something else like "when will I see you on stage?" they think that you're happy to get naked for free on stage while they look from a distance. It is evident that they lack the common sense to question if the dancer is really into them. But they don't care. These guys will even go as far as following you out the door when you're ready for home. Lacking people and life skills? Clearly.
Typical lines from these noobs:
"I don't buy dances, but I'd like to take you out sometime"
"I know you're into me/want me, you don't have to hide it"
"What time do you finish?"
Mister VIP
Most of these creatures are delusional. They think that they're important because they once shook hands with the owners, maybe had a conversation or two, therefore they're best friends with the owner/manager/MC. They boast about having privileges, have met the Queen of England, Elvis, and is far more special than everyone else. When being pushed for a sale, these guys claim that they can get special discounts... Then fail miserably.
I met this one special guy one time that claimed he was so well knitted with the management that he threatened to get me fired because I wouldn't go out with him (looks like I'm still here and well bro).
Classic quotes:
*exclaims proudly* "Well I know Bob the owner, we are great friends. We hang out on a regular basis"
"I've met P. Diddy, T.I, Eminem, Lil Wayne, Madonna, and anyone else you can think of"
"I get special privileges than regular customers, I pretty much shit diamonds"
These are the main species in the strip club kingdom. You are destined to meet all of them at some point if you stick around long enough in this line of work. Maybe even rarer more "amazing" ones. But nonetheless, it's entertaining. Even more entertaining when I imagine shoving my stiletto heel into their scrotums.
Saturday 26 January 2013
Dancing for cute boys
It's always so uncomfortable dancing for attractive customers especially if they're your type.
I'm naturally shy, so I'm get a little nervous when they're watching me intently on stage. Thanks to the dim lights and makeup, they don't see that I'm a bit of a pussy.
I mean, you're supposed to be more relaxed and can be a little more genuine to a customer when they're attractive right??? But it just has the opposite effect!
It's just a mild thing, neither am I complaining. But I think I'd rather dance for less attractive men. I'm better at holding my gaze, and I couldn't give two shits about how I am around them.
I could lie there with legs spread for a whole hour and they'd still think I'm doing a great job.
It's funny how we all think the same. When someone is attractive, they're excused for being pervy and creepy in contrast to someone that is hideous.
That is one of the reasons why I stop telling attractive customers that they're good looking. Or "OMG ur soooooo HAWT" when I'm drunk. This most likely excuses them for being a strip club, and increases their chances of getting laid. Like if someone has nice shoes, you'll naturally say "nice fucking shoes!" instead, I say "nice fucking face!" That obviously interprets to "let's have sex".
Oops :(
I'm naturally shy, so I'm get a little nervous when they're watching me intently on stage. Thanks to the dim lights and makeup, they don't see that I'm a bit of a pussy.
I mean, you're supposed to be more relaxed and can be a little more genuine to a customer when they're attractive right??? But it just has the opposite effect!
It's just a mild thing, neither am I complaining. But I think I'd rather dance for less attractive men. I'm better at holding my gaze, and I couldn't give two shits about how I am around them.
I could lie there with legs spread for a whole hour and they'd still think I'm doing a great job.
It's funny how we all think the same. When someone is attractive, they're excused for being pervy and creepy in contrast to someone that is hideous.
That is one of the reasons why I stop telling attractive customers that they're good looking. Or "OMG ur soooooo HAWT" when I'm drunk. This most likely excuses them for being a strip club, and increases their chances of getting laid. Like if someone has nice shoes, you'll naturally say "nice fucking shoes!" instead, I say "nice fucking face!" That obviously interprets to "let's have sex".
Oops :(
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